I Remember 9/11 Every Day.

But this year, it hurts more than usual. I finally figured out why.

Photo by Mike Labrum on Unsplash

I have never forgotten 9/11. It is with me every single day. Some days, it’s a fleeting thought. But others it’s more present. Anniversaries are, naturally, always a bit harder. Still, it’s been years since I’ve felt the need to write and share my story. It’s been years since I’ve felt so raw and vulnerable and scared around the anniversary. This year, however, I have struggled greatly.

I’ve been battling an epic round of clinical depression, so I thought perhaps that was why. Maybe it’s just because I am generally more raw and vulnerable right now. But that didn’t feel like the cause. Especially since this hit rather suddenly, just this weekend. Normally when I’ve felt especially sensitive to one of the anniversaries, there’s a lead up to it. I feel it for weeks beforehand. So I was kind of baffled.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m okay with feeling very emotional about this anniversary, about my memories of that day. I’m not sorry to grieve what was lost that day (and in the days since, as a direct result), in terms of lives, freedom and a sense of security.

But I am an analytical person and when something feels different to me or elicits an unexpected or extreme emotional response, I want to know why. Sometimes I…