I’ve been through infertility, and I’m automatically drawn to every piece about it. The sense of community it gives me helps with the relentless grief.

I found it interesting that your friend w/o kids was so quick to be, well… what seemed dismissive of your emotional struggle. I noticed in my own journey it was two distinct groups I got the most shit (there’s no better way to word it) from.

First group: Those who have not had children, especially if they also weren’t sure they ever wanted to have children. It was like because they weren’t sure, my gut deep maternal instincts and desires were alien to them? It was weird. But they weren’t the worst offenders, either. That’s group 2.

Group 2 are the ones who got pregnant without any real effort. The magical ones you thought you all were when taking sex ed in school because the way they discussed pregnancy you just figured that if your uterus came into contact with sperm, it was Game Over. They’re also the ones, in my experience, most likely to say, “why don’t you just adopt?” as if it’s as simple as going to an animal shelter and bringing home a puppy.

I cannot tell you how many times I talked about the “just adopt” line but I had one friend who would say it ANY time I talked about my infertility struggle. Sure, easy for you to say. You got pregnant by accident, then got pregnant again basically right afterwards (her daughters were 10 months apart), also by accident. What do you know of this pain?

No one ever considered that maybe I didn’t adopt because it was potentially yet another heartbreak I couldn’t bear if something went wrong (as is often the case, especially in international adoptions). Or because it’s often something very elitist and I knew a bisexual, fat, atheist with fibromyalgia might be declined. Or because it’s incredibly invasive, and my body had already been invaded. I didn’t want my privacy invaded, too. Not to mention, my husband has Aspergers and is deeply private. He also, due to this, is extremely logical. He was afraid he might not love a child that was not biologically his. I don’t for a second believe that’s true. But how could I risk that? He’d have tried, for me. I wouldn’t take that chance when a child’s happiness — and HIS happiness — was potentially on the line. Not to mention my own, because I’d be miserable if it went wrong and constantly feel torn.

So yeah, “just adopt” people can get stuffed. And that’s the nice way I say it.

My rambling, ranty point is, I know the hurt it causes. And I also know that sometimes the worst hurt isn’t even the infertility itself. It’s the isolation and the frustration and the feeling that people you’ve come to depend on are suddenly not there for you.