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You Did This To Yourself
(And other unhelpful thoughts)
Content Warning: This essay discusses my battle with an active eating disorder. It may be triggering for some who have also battled EDs.
I am standing bent over the toilet, feeling as if I’m about to be sick. I had to run from a conversation with my husband, and I imagine going back and explaining to him, “I did this to myself. I’m so stupid.”
Then a voice whispers in my head, do not speak those words. Be gentle with yourself.
I know this voice. It is my maternal voice, mothering me as she has for as long as I can remember. She has protected me when no one else could or did. She has defended me from my critics… and especially from, well, me.
So I don’t tell him this.
Instead, I think about why I did what I did.
Tonight we had pizza for dinner. It was delicious. I enjoyed my slice about as guilt-free as I enjoy any food these days. If I were to put my relationship with food as it currently exists in a Facebook status it would read “way beyond complicated.” The reasons for this are many. Here’s the highlights (or lowlights, if you prefer).
I had gastric sleeve surgery last March. I am now in a relapse of my eating disorders as a direct result. Almost ten months ago I began…
